Friday, December 8, 2017

the answer

Tonight I was reacquainted with a blast from the past. It reminded me of that inner joy that I so often craved.

There are very few and far in between moments where you feel that your heart and mind are completely in synced wrapped around a space of inner peace. In this place, all your questions become answers. Those answers can never be dictated with words but they are composed with an inner melody that you listen to.

These moments have the capability of changing your narrative. It’s true that you cannot change your life circumstances but you can learn to tell a better story.

In my day to day, I sometimes feel like I’m juggling with so many human emotions and I find it hard to balance the scale. Purpose gives meaning to happiness. Without meaning, happiness is fleeting.

Tonight felt a lot like getting beyond the beginning and end. And for that, I am grateful.

-love and light, adrenalene 

Monday, July 17, 2017

About a month ago, I was invited to give a talk about what beauty means to someone with a disability at Estee Lauder. It was gut-wrenching to tell this to 80 people but I did it!

‘They’ say that time heals all wounds. I wonder if ‘they’ know that there are wounds that never recover, that injure you much deeper than scars. It was about 6pm and I was making my way to meet a friend for dinner when I stepped into an escalator that was under maintenance but had no safety barricade. My third step on the escalator had a missing cover so I fell into the tracks and fractured my rib, dislocated my hip and worst of all, I broke my spine. I remember lying at the bottom of the steps calling for help and it took a few moments before help came. They had to cut the steel bars to get me out of the escalator.

I woke up in ICU and the doctor told me that I was lucky to be alive because I had lost more than a litre of blood. My family slowly broke the news to me that the doctor said that I only had 3 to 5% chances of walking again. My entire life changed in an instance and the hopes and dreams I had dissipated before me. They went on to explain to me that when I broke my spine, my nerves were affected. The nerves in your spinal cord work like a communication channel to your brain and my nerves were severed from the accident. Generally, nerves have limited ability to regenerate. I could try to move or feel my legs but it would be like making a phone call on a broken telephone, no one would answer.

This disability affected more than my ability to walk. I lost my independence, my friends, my identity. Who am I if I am not able to do the things I love?

I went through a long phase struggling between hopes and fears. Things that used to be second nature suddenly became a mammoth’s task. I needed help with very basic things like showering, toileting, dressing and going out.

Every day I prayed for a miracle, that one day, I could walk again. Other people have dreams of being famous, rich or successful but what I wanted was something they already have, the ability to walk. The thing about dreams is that when you can’t actualize them, they can make your reality a living nightmare.

I was the kind of person who enjoyed long walks and loved adventure. I loved jumping off the jetty, bathing in the sea and waiting for sunset, walking in the dark to catch fireflies, or climbing a waterfall. These to me were immense beauty. It broke me that so many of these things required me to be able to use my legs.
I would never be able to experience these as I once did. It made me feel like an outsider who doesn’t belong because there is a difference between seeing something beautiful from afar and being able to experience it.
The breaking point for me happened when everything was falling apart and it was becoming more apparent that recovery wasn’t going to happen on my terms. I needed to redefine what recovery meant and move on with my life. It boiled down to two options. I could be sad and it would be a certainty that I would lead a long and miserable life or I could embrace the unknown and have a higher probability of being happy.

I had to learn that with most things, it is a matter of perspective. I could be in the most beautiful place on earth yet it would be forgettable if I did not seize the moment. It is the moments we make and share that allows them to be stories that we remember.
Recently, I went to Iceland with my husband and a few friends. I realised that the moments that were memorable were the ones with stories to tell, like how we worked together to get me up and down a hill that was snowed in, or how we cooked together every night, or how I missed my flight back.

I would have never believed that a girl on wheelchair went to Iceland and came back. A lot of places can generally be inaccessible for a person with a physical disability and it would help if things were built with us in mind. But for now, a little bit of planning, a little bit of help, and a leap of faith helps.

When you are pushed into difficult situations, you have an opportunity to learn that there's so much you are capable of.
We judge ourselves by the reflection we see in the mirror, but what is really reflected is the sum of our thoughts, feelings and stories. It is fair to say that you need to be able to see your own beauty before others.

There is a stigma with regards to people with disabilities. Oftentimes, we are portrayed in the media as people who require charity from others. While I agree that we need advocacy and support from the government and society, the charity case overshadows the bigger issue, which is about empowerment. Empowering people with disabilities begins with making things more accessible, this could mean making infrastructures usable for everybody.
I recently watched an advertisement about a girl who uses a wheelchair. It was an advertisement for Apple Watch. In that advertisement, she talked about how she doesn't see everyday people in her life, like her teacher or her doctor or her salesperson, on a wheelchair. How does she know she is accepted in society, if she does not see people like her around her? This is an experience that I could personally relate to.

It would take time for people's opinions to change and the best way you can help people with disabilities is to include us. When you allow us into your world, you help us expand our possibilities. Talk to us if you want to know. Employ us. Engage us. This way, you can begin to empower us.

- love and light, adrenalene

Sunday, July 16, 2017

I miss journaling.

I love writing because it helps me make sense. When I write, my thoughts take a slower pace, allowing me to breathe with words and between the spaces. They help me bridge my head and my heart which can seem like two very separate things.

I hope to begin again even if there isn't much to start with.

I suppose I can start with a few things bout my day.

Today, I read this quote by Thoreau. He said 'I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees'. To me, that relates to a person taking a breather from when he is absorbed into the details of things and coming out of it, beginning to see the bigger picture that revitalises him.

I like this quote because it also reminds me of all the long walks I had in the past. Many of them were accompanied by conversations with friends. It is wonderful to lose yourself in nature and simply speak about nothing, anything and everything. I suspect that this might have been my most favourite thing to do, since I do have many favourites.

Long walks for me were an everyday routine. They meant going at a slower pace and looking up to the sky. I guess it was almost as though the clouds stored my thoughts, all 5GB of it. Journaling happens when I try to organise the things that I store in my head because not enough space.


- love and light, adrenalene

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Rust Cohle: I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, this secretion of sensory experience and feelings, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody. I think the honorable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming. Stop reproducing. Walk hand in hand into extinction. One last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.

Marty Hart: So what's the point of getting out of bed in the morning?

Rust Cohle:I tell myself I bear witness, but the real answer is that it's obviously my programming. And I lack the constitution for suicide.


Haha! Love this.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. 

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.