Friday, June 11, 2004

disconnect

after many attempts of working it out, it still hasnt worked out. if it was spposed to, shouldnt it by now.

i thought it wasnt something that u really have to try to make it work. its just spposed to work if its spposed to. so it wasnt to you. i thought it already worked. not according to you.

how different can two humans be. we were raised and brought up the same way. we are influenced by the same things. same things, different conditons. yes, we must have our differences. but how different can you possibly be from the next guy. we both feel what we want to feel. we are all confused. there must be some right in the wrong that u feel. u must find comfort at a certain extent in the midst of panic. how different are you from me. i dont think that differences is the problem. "we are too different" is a convenient excuse. we all use it.

i have spared you 4 years of my time and energy. so have you. if there is anyone on the losing end, it should be you, since youve put in so much. first 2 years, we argued, or rather i argued and did the luxurious verbal sparrings to feed the ego.

after the first break up, that bastard came into my life. i'd be calling him a bastard only because he really is. we got back together. i thought we were unhappy, u thought we were happy. and i conveniently used the excuse "we're too different"

despite that, it still affected me. i thought i was emotionless, cold blooded and couldnt give a fuck. guess what. newsflash, i did. i was actually tamed by you, by this.

now now, that isnt the good news. the good news was even better. apparently, i heard from secondary sources that i was holding on to you too much. that u were being sympathetic with me, so u stayed hoping for me to move on soon, only then u'll move on. that you cant be with me, not anymore. i explained myself that after a break up, you have to give me some time to get over this, to be ok about this.

so yes, it was cold harsh reality splatted on my face. something i already knew. its funny how when you hear it from a third party, it points out the gist of it all, n u thought.. hey, i already knew that. u just somehow was not aware. i was surprised tt u kissed and told. so tt didnt help.

so ya, he became existent. enuff bout him. he doesnt even care to call back now.

a few months later, u tell me u are able to work this out. holy shit, u werent so good on timing, were you. so ya, the infamous mess. the trio. the stupid fucks.

2 years later. we're still on to it. unsurprisingly, i havent chose you over him. maybe i felt it wasnt worth it. maybe a part of me knew it wasnt right. maybe its not the undying, sacred, true love i have for you thats spposed to be all-conquering. maybe the love was contemporary, changes with time. so can i use contemporary as an excuse?

if i loved you as much as i thought i did, i would have made changes. if i thought ive made changes, its not like you care to notice. if i really loved you, i would have taken the chance to be with you a long time ago. if i really really loved you, i must trust you enough.

apparently i dont.

we have wasted so much precious time. 4 years to be more precise. i dont have much time left to waste anymore. so im bailing out on this now. there isnt any reason to stay. if things dont change, which is highly likely, i expect not to hear from you ever again. n the cold truth is that i dont want to hear from you again. nothing is going to change. we should be more than aware that we've been trying too long.

we need a miracle. i dont want a miracle.

i am who ive been the past 4 years. im everything i am in the past 4 years. asking me to change now, is not the person that i really am. im not the last thing you said or i said i am. ive been who ive been all this while. n i know ppl can change. i cant change. i cant i cant.

this is not my ego speaking. this is really me. this is not one of those acts on impulse that turns out to be a big mistake. i have thought this through. this is real. so fucking real. im not mad at you. i dont hate you. i still feel i love you, i just wish i didnt.

i prolly didnt love u perfectly. like you did. but i did love you. its heart-wrenching to even admit it anymore. i dont want to anymore. i have effortlessly tried to change. it wasnt good enough, ril. we suck at being together. we were better off as friends. we're really cool as friends. i hope that thats what we'll end up to be in the far-fetched future. for now, u should know whats best.

i hope you respect my decision.. both of you.

this is not a sad story. this is a true account on my expense. it does not reflect hurt pain depression or any of that sort. sorry i cant be perfect. consider this as an undying confession of some bullshit tts spposed to last for eternity. how undying. this is a pure example with its full entirety of a cliche love.

im never teaching my kids fairy tales. buncha bullshit.

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