Sunday, November 5, 2006

two a.m.

we live in an ugly ugly world.

a girl at work has eating disorders and i understand why. society has mapped the stellar woman to be skinny and any more flesh is unacceptable. as humans, we subconsciously embrace this messages that runs through the media and we behave like it. the downside of this is that it tells common people that they're not good enough and no matter how hard they try, there would hardly be a time when they can accept themselves as they are.

my esteem has suffered a huge ordeal lately. i feel that i am no longer accepted. i peer upon reflections and i honestly didn't find anything that made me too unhappy but people have been giving me reminders of my shortcomings. i wasn't made perfect and if i enjoyed being the way that i am, i do not see how your comments will in any way put me in direction to higher plateau. if i could, i would live in a world oblivious of you but that wouldn't be realistic. for me, at least.

i have been making effort to change myself to suit your acceptable standards and i feel completely miserable. i can't say that your opinions don't affect me because it does and i couldn't shrug away those feelings.

i heard more about him, him and her. i wish i could tell you about it to put an end to your misery but she holds that responsiblity. i don't know who your friends are protecting. i only hope they keep in mind your best interest in their ongoing actions. i'm sorry, friend. i feel you.

how can anyone feel that the world is a beautiful place? i think we have all ruined it for ourselves. you'd have to be really deluded to be anally optimistic about everything. i can comprehend striking a balance and pessimism but this i cannot.

and stop playing the raya songs. i'm not feeling it.

maybe i'll feel better tomorrow.

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