Nothing is going wrong, but then again nothing is going quite right. I’ve fought this for the longest time, thinking that if I pretend and hold on a little longer, I might turn into the person I pretend to be. Considering that I’ve put up my defense for some time and it has proven to be of little to no offense to what it is that is attacking me, my fall is inevitable, my fortitude deterred, and my fortress conquered.
I cannot begin to release myself from this prison if I do not know what it is exactly that is holding my heart hostage. I have no words to tell you, no courage to face the truth, no strength to deal with the consequences.
I feel distant from the person I once was, and perhaps, I was never that person to begin with. Perhaps, that person no longer fits with who I need to be today. Perhaps, some things fit and some never will.
These thoughts in my head quickly consumes me, and I feel that I’m being pushed out to the front porch of my sanity. I do not know how to turn these voices down. I try to hide these voices away, so I can fade into the background, and dissemble normalcy but they pick me out from the shelter of the people and things I seek comfort from, and they mock me and everything I pretend to be.
I am a pretentious creep.
A tired, defeated, spineless, deluded, pretentious creep.
I need the breathing and holding space to unlearn these things that has been holding me captive.
I might disappoint my future if I stay in this place.
I need to walk away.