Saturday, December 17, 2011

hide and seek

I forget how beautiful mornings are. I wake up at 8am everyday, rush to work, and I chase time but it is an inevitable failure because time will always outrun you when you go after it. The ironic thing is that time stays at your pace when you are still.

I am still this morning and taking in the atmosphere although I am a myriad of 1000 feelings and thoughts. The truth is I feel this way when faced with uncertainty. I am beginning to believe that my uncertainty has something to tell me and I haven't come to terms with it. I know exactly what caused this but I have neither the strength nor courage to face it right now.

I trust that things will turn out as it should. I trust the Universe. I trust Him. It is people that I have doubts about. It is their actions and intentions that I find troublesome to understand. I see that my rejection and distrust causes me distress. I know that I need to let go, and I will, in time, but right now, I am again benchwarming for the things I'm not ready for.

And then I contradict myself because I know that things will keep happening to you whether you feel ready for it or not. You just have to rip off the band aid, replace it with a fresh one, then rip it off again to give some time for the wound to breathe.

When I try to conceal something, I find that I empower it to be a bigger part of me, because I am not saying the things I truly feel. People hide things, and they usually do it for good reasons. Recently, I found out something that was hidden from me, and it left me in distraught. The thought that haunts me is that people are more what they hide than what they show. I know this because I am exactly that way. No one is who they say they are, but you love them inspite it all. I admit that the transitional phase in coming to really learn the former sentence is the part that is causing me pain, but I guess people grow through pain.

This is what I do. I try to write myself out of this place. I do it so often, but I don't do it so well. I keep so many drafts of my half-formed pent up thoughts until my next distraction. And then repeat. There has to be a better way than this.

I yearn for that stillness, that solitary peace of mind. I guess this is why these days I find myself being alone more because I am trying to confront the voices that speak to me when I am silent. I guess I am trying to learn the difference, and separate the fact from the fiction.

A really good friend reminded me this : You are bigger than anything that can happen to you in your life. And my counter-thought was even if you're not, you can always eat more. Urgh, bad joke. Bye then.

- love and light, adrenalene

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