Monday, April 9, 2012

mac and cheese

I keep my thoughts in so many drafts and in incomplete paragraphs lately. I can never seem to come to a conclusion about anything.

Tonight, my mac died on me. I tried resurrecting it so many times and it seems I almost murdered my power button. A few beeps but the screen remains dead. Eventually, it got resurrected like the second coming, so I anticipate its doomsday soon.

I began fidgeting alot when I couldn't turn on my mac. My mind started a worry list based on what if my mac died on me.

My biggest worry was this; I recently handed in my resignation. I remember having the best time bumming around for 8 months previously, and about half that time involved the computer. Yes, I am a sad story, no need to remind me. What would my life be if I were disconnected? My life has changed alot since the last time I was out of job. What would I do now, if I couldn't do what I did then? What would fill up my time and what thoughts would occupy my head? An idle mind is the devil's playground.

Besides, I am constantly connected nowadays. I'm always logged in via skype, whatsapp, fb or text. My first reaction to my mac dying was to type incessantly on my phone, like I needed to say something to someone, or have the constant need to always be doing something. What was wrong with not doing anything and just being silent? Something somewhere feels amiss, no?

Life before the internet feels like prehistoric years ago. I think I'd have to date back to my secondary school days and my afro hair ways. I spent my leisure time watching TV, hanging out with friends, having endless phone calls, and perhaps memorising and trying to write rap songs. Oh wells, might as well be upfront about it. I hide more things about myself than the things I show. I haven't even come to terms with half the things I hide about myself, and oddly so, I am more what I hide than what I show. Anyway, more hiphop, and less obscurity, let's move on.

I recently gave up the cable TV in my room because for the past 2 years, I haven't even clocked in 1 hour of TV time. I used to love watching Word Travels on Nat Geo Adventure and I would imagine myself as Julia Dimon, travelling and writing like an everyday superhero. What job could possibly be more fulfilling?

I have long since given up on such dreams, and chose a simpler, less satisfying road but I'm not complaining because I know that it takes some work to make such things work, and if you're as lazy as me, don't resist where you are in your life when the thought of making it work, is already too much work. Let's be honest lah.

So, I wrote this post to talk about my daunting hour without my mac. Hmm, the worry list in my head seems to be growing exponentially and worry is the worst way to waste a life away. I am evidence of an incredible waste of time and space. What gives.

Alah, gi tido lagi baik.

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