Thursday, April 19, 2012

The only thing I fear is fear itself.

When I fear something, it paralyzes me. It becomes all I think about, and since I'm so focused on that thought, it is just a matter of time before it becomes real.

I try to let go of the bad thought, but it keeps haunting me like a ghost who will not rest. Sometimes, I even wish for that fear to become my reality because I am sick and tired of pre-meditating the tragedy over and over again in my head.

What do I fear? I fear about losing. The things I fear about losing sometimes have nothing to do with love, but most times, they do. Its weird how you hold on to things you no longer love for comfort, and that comfort has become so important that without it, your life becomes amok. Sometimes, even strange and fucked up things become a comfort because you're so used to it.

And that thought begs this question: for love or comfort?

I tell myself time and time again to overcome fear with trust. There's a reason why I have to keep repeating it to myself; I just don't believe it. The evidence in my experience has proven that it makes sense to fear it to protect myself, so I'm always holding back. What a way to live.

The evidence in my experience. My experience is a biased perspective dictated by the thoughts that live in my head. I don't really live here, I only live in my head.

Unfortunately, I am hardly alone in my head. I have a few neighbourly voices who often pick bitter banters with me over my life. I try to not to go against them so much, because as the bible says, to love thy neighbour.

I suspect my neighbours have invaded my personal space and made my body their home because I am void of soul.

So where do I live now? I return only to the thoughts in my head.

- in the absence of light, adrenalene

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