Friday, August 31, 2012

I sit here haunted by my conscience, as you pace back and forth, silently reassuring me that I am truly what you depicted; a destroyer of the lives of the people who love me.

And you are right. Everything I touch, burns. I penciled myself into a dark corner of this cursed room. The familiar gloom is one of strange comfort.

Every breath I take intoxicates me with the past. How can I move forth when both my feet are chained in guilt. The recesses of my mind occupy a dark place. I fixate on the past, in a non-existent present but my regret does not change anything.

My mind is idle, and I toss and turn, I embody misery, till it becomes me. It is easy to fall, it is easy to stay down, it is easy to banish myself in this prison. I am the way my heart is built, kept in a cage, hidden in the chest. I should be locked away.

I know that this is insanity. I know that this is a disease. I know that I cannot control a mishap, and I choose what befalls me but it is not me that hurts, it is me being responsible for your pain that hurts me.

I am far from anything I wanted to be, but even me feeling this way about myself is allowing myself to wallow in self-pity. I am selfish for staying in the past for the things that I cannot change. I am stupid for worrying about the future, when it is in the realm of the unseen.

So here, I let these voices fight their pleas, while I lie awake in destruction, watch everything turn into nothing, but debris from yesterday. Each moment that I choose to accompany with despair, destroys me. I become conscious of each breath because I know that my next move defines me.

- love and light, adrenalene

No comments: