Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Why does food taste better after midnight? Is bacteria a better marinade than salt, pepper and olive oil? I guess I just gave away that I am not much of a cook. There goes any ambition of being Raekwon. I have really bad food cravings after dark and sleep seems to be the only plausible thing to quiet the stomach rumbling.

Off the topic of hunger and on to other distractions, I have a proposition. Based on my experience, there will always be bad and complex things, like Joo Chiat, tingkat dua tepi tangga. My golden question to myself is why do I keep making hard things, harder. It is like a mental illness and a dying thirst for destruction. Its not very satisfying to be cleaning dust and debris for a long time. Time to get a broom or a vacuum cleaner to declutter, be a nu school witch or something. A carpenter is as good as his tools, and how he uses them. I'm not into that intricate thing, I just need it to serve purpose.

I have this problem that I don't have good opinions of people. Its either I don't care at all, you're the best or you're the worst. There is something that isn't right in my head and wrong in my heart. I can afford to be brutally honest about it, because honesty is easy and fuss-free, but that is as far as I stretch. Plus, I haven't murdered anyone with truth thus far. When will I ever reach the rank of OG.

I justify this like a final report that is due and making word count (see microsoft word if you don't get the reference). From where I am, it is a slush of good talk and bad actions. I infer judgement on people based on my experience with them, hence, implying that people in general are static things, hardly capable of change.

I do not think that what I just said is completely unfounded. We go in and out of habits, jump from one bandwagon to another, and flip switches all the time. But what we off, we on again so we only go back and forth consistently. Its like me trying to quit smoking. I smoke for 5 days in a week, and spend the other 2 days wishing I had cigarettes. I guess you'll always go back to what you know best. So what do you know?

I believe that our circumstances change, we adapt and become different people, but at the core, we're the same. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing but it feels like a reactive approach, always a victim of circumstances. Can we switch and take back some degree of control?

I don't know how to bury the hatchet and lepak drink tea in a cup with a satchet. I just leave dead things on the ground, reminding me to be watchful of every step. That's no way to live, really. Maybe the real problem here is that I don't believe I can change, so why would I believe anyone else can.

Mmm stomach problems, mental problems, emotional problems. Sleep to quiet the rumbling (and wake up feeling fucked up again). Repeat cycle and keep paddling, Azlin.

- piss & love,

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