Sunday, February 15, 2015

I wonder who and what I am. What that of my existence and purpose.

I see a past of bitter ends and broken eras, all of which builds me up, breaks me apart and down to where I am today. I hear the stories that I used to tell, those dead things that accompany me. They confine me if I do not define them.

All things expire, and as each day renews, you see that darkest hour before dawn. In the horizon, up and above, is a secret waiting to be discovered. Here is earth, revolving around the sun. There is the moon, orbitting around you. In these cycles, there is balance. All things hold a predetermined place. In nature, there is balance. The balance that reminds me to look after my own.

There is light, there is darkness. Just as there is day, there is night. Just as you choose love, you incidentally choose fear. We find meaning in this polarity of deep ends and new beginnings. It takes one to know the other. One is, what it is not. So what am I?

If all of existence is infinite, nothing can be created nor destroyed. I am at the centre of the universe, and my heart centres me.

My heart. That curious thing I seek to understand. That thing that refuses reason when the mind forgets it own strength. That sampled heartbeat. That conviction which makes me human being human, and a part of a masterplan.

And here I am, unable to master my own mind. The frame is here, but the mind is gone, gone away, unable to find reconciliation. My mind is limited, and can never reach the limitless. 

For the longest time, I thought that I have accepted this. Then my circumstances challenged my balance, now I wonder if I had mistaken acceptance for relent. Same action, different outcome. One is sweet, the other is bitter.

I haven't found the answers. My limit causes me pain. I need to be there, but I'm still here, at a war with my centre. 

I'm here where I am not.

- love and light, adrenalene

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