Thursday, March 19, 2015

Today has taken a toll on me. It is apt that the night ended with a blackout in my house, and I can't use any of my electrical appliances. Here I am, wasting away what is left of my battery life, writing shit that will never amount to anything. 

I had a medical check up today. I thought that this would get easier with time. I have witnessed myself breaking down many times when someone asked me about the details of my accident, and the more I had to tell it, the less painful it became to speak about it. But today had me cornered again.

When I saw the ruptured fragment of my spine on the x-ray, bent and broken beyond repair, I sat there feeling like I had been robbed of all hope. I felt my face flustering with red, heat rushing to my eyes, and water collecting on my eyelids. I quickly reached for a chewing gum, because facial movement sometimes help to keep the rain from welling up.

I felt so weak, but I know that my tears will not save me. I had to get it together. If I broke down, she will break apart. It takes a lot of courage and control to gather the remnants and build yourself up from groundzero. Both of which I have little of.

I came home disarrayed. I hate myself for being so weak, and I feel the self-loathing build up. It doesn't matter who I've been, when the problem lies in what I've become. 

My actions define me. My lapses are becoming somewhat of a recurring theme lately. I think and speak ill of others when I should have kept myself under closer examination. 

Everything I see, do or say is a reflection of who I am behind my eyes. Me. All me.

The problem is me.

No comments: