Sunday, July 5, 2015

I am not you.

Half the time, I don't have it together. The other half, I am only pretending that I do. I am weak, emotional and irrational. 

I am useless. I have never made anyone's life better. I know that the general rule of thumb here is that if you can't do any good, at least do no harm. Sadly, I couldn't do harm, even if I wanted to, because I simply do not matter.

Its not like I haven't tried to matter. I've made effort, done the work, hoping that one day, it would materialize and maybe I would be remembered. I'm not expecting to appear in the history books but I was hoping that every once in a while, I'd matter, even if it was only for a minute.

Perhaps, the work that I did was wrong. Or maybe I'm just working towards the wrong thing. I could never be sure because how can I ever know when I'm right when the only experience I have is being wrong.

And now, I'm being self-piteous, behaving as though I have been a victim of circumstances. I am pathetic, I know. I called it before you did, surely I deserve something for it.

Deserve. That could just be my problem. I think I deserve this, I expect that, so I feel unhappy when reality is different. 

Some people are so fun when life throws different things at them. They get creative and they're so smart about it. I wish I were more like them but unfortunately I just am not capable. 

Nothing I do matters. Nothing I say matters. I guess that makes me Marshall Matters. Ha. Ha. I'm sorry. 

No comments: