love & light

enter the void

2012-02-14T00:33:00.003+08:00

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I want very simple things, but my wanting makes those simple things complicated. I deviate from my initial intention and the crime scene revisits me.

My conscience collapses to the ground because the building blocks were built on infertile soil. Here I am again, ground zero, witnessing white dust.

Everything happens for a reason, but more importantly, everything falls apart for a reason. I'm beginning to question everything, the things I thought I knew, but never understood.

My heart is impure, and the dirt resides as second nature. A heart that holds a grudge is too heavy for any man to carry. So alone, I sit exorcising these inner demons, heavy with gravity.

What the fuck do I know about letting go.
What the fuck do I know about sincerity.
What the fuck do I know about detachment.
What the fuck do I know about me.
What the fuck do I know about anything.

These questions leave me in solitude because I am unworthy of anyone.

Tonight, I'm not here. I'm entering the void.

Tomorrow, I begin with gratitude.

praise and meditation

2012-02-14T00:29:00.000+08:00

Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we may be in denial
Wasting time
Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while
Coping with despair
Knowing you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the sun
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule
Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
And this deception I wear it like a skin

And I aim to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin
Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is seen

How beautiful this fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaves so foolishly
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til it sees the death of me
Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted 'cause it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree with what I know is best for me
Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

The choices I have made
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?
In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decisions

Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

Selah, Lauryn Hill

i, who have nothing

2012-02-08T22:01:00.002+08:00

Everything is never as it seems
This world of people and things
The answer blows in the wind
This life is but a dream

Behind my tears lies strength
Behind my smile lies pain
Behind the light lies dark
Behind my lies, lies truth

The peace my heart seeks
In the silence that embraces me
The world behind my eyes
In the inner galaxy that astounds me

Each day unfolds
Each trial, each tribulation
Each time I break apart
Each time it builds me

In love, we fear
In fear, we trust
In life, we forget
In death, we remember

I who have everything,
Have nothing
I who have nothing,
Have everything

There is a sickness in me
That succumbs to this world
There is a cure within me
That surrenders to the universe

- love and light, adrenalene

OK Computer

2012-02-07T00:10:00.003+08:00

I think I am a computer.

Life’s been teaching me hard lessons and I can feel the anti-virus in my system resisting this software update as it quickly begins scanning for bugs and viruses, hoping to stay at the current version.

Its just like staying at Windows XP, because new is not always improved i.e. Windows 7. This remains a temporary solution because we all have to move on someday. You can't possibly still play Sega, while everyone else has begun xbox Kinect. Well, you can't. I can.

Perhaps, the problem isn't my operating system. The problem might have rooted from a virus from one of my recent installations, thinking it was for my betterment, but it led to my detriment, when the virus mutated into a type Beta epidemic.

I've been told that everything I need, I can search within. So I often seek Google for my daily needs but my search results are cluttered. I know the answer is there but it an acquired skill to be able to find the jewel amongst the junk. Honestly, I’d rather play Bejeweled, cos I kick it ol’ skool’ like that.

The last I heard, they're taking down my wikipedia bible, so I await the new testament.

My fellow gizmo whiz advised me to defragment my hard disk but what they don't understand is that my data is is highly unsegmented and has reached all my drive's capacity. De-fragmenting will be a tedious task and might crash my PC in totality, and I don't do Safe Mode cause I'm reckless that way.

Reformatting my hard disk is my final option but I have serious reservations. I have been using pirated programs and my keygen has ceased to function. The lives and times of a Bandwidth Bandit.

I guess in the end, I'm left with 2 options; to live with a PC with viruses, or a PC with nothing at all. Radiohead says OK Computer, u sure anot...

And I’m a big fat fib, because I’m actually using a MAC and not a PC. Sorry Bill Gates.

- love and light, adrenalene

2012-02-06T14:34:00.004+08:00

Filza and Jusman welcomed Muhammad Michael Kezman on 4 Feb 2012. The gift of life is a thing of immense beauty.

Life is beautiful, but it is a joy that cannot be told, but experienced. You are participating in the gift of life, and giving birth to the sons and the daughters of the beginning. It is through being a mother that you learn unconditional love, and lose the sense of self that often eludes us.

And as his first self-proclaimed homegirl, I'm going to teach Kezman the ways of the Shaolin!

It's funny that I should be saying this because whenever an opportunity arises for me to hold a baby, the strength in my arms begin wobble in fear and my feet tremble in bass. Me and my disclaimers.

- love and light, adrenalene

2012-02-05T11:30:00.000+08:00

To let go does not mean to stop caring.
It means you can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut yourself off.
It's the realization that you can't control another.

To let go is not to admit powerlessness.
It simply means the outcome is not in your hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of yourself.

To let go is not to judge.
It's to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to deny.
It's to accept.

To let go is not to regret the past.
It's to grow and live for the present moment.

To let go is to fear less and to love more.

- Author Unknown

2012-02-03T22:52:00.000+08:00

IMYB.

freedom

2012-02-03T00:07:00.005+08:00

What is freedom?

If freedom is a place, why am I unhappy here.

If freedom comes from within, why does my body feel like a cage.

If freedom is doing what you love, is it not the same as being enslaved by the same thing that you love.

If freedom is a smile you feel with your heart, why do I frown in the face of adversary.

What if freedom was a relative state of mind?

What if freedom wasn't made for me because I was meant to embody this vessel?

Why do I want freedom? Why does anyone want freedom? What do they want to do with that freedom?

If freedom is doing what I want, why does my wanting pains me?

Freedom is elusive, and wanting freedom entraps me. If my will and wanting causes me pain, then my free will does not free me. So, I examine at the root of my wanting. Do I want the wrong things? Does wanting the wrong things hold me captive?

My will is to will His will. Freedom begins with wanting the right things, for the right reason.

- love and light, adrenalene

in retrospect

2012-02-02T11:02:00.004+08:00

I was listening to As.One Family’s Anthem this morning. This was one of the first tracks I recorded, and this was 12 years ago. Back then, we recorded at Azrael’s place with a Compro microphone. Compro has probably folded since, and As.One evolved into XS.1. Talk about viability, who knew we would withstand the changing tides and weather for 12 years and had a better business plan than Compro, with way less capital. The new world order got nothing on us.

When the first compilation was released, I remember hanging out with the boys at Civic Centre, we would play the Anthem repeatedly, and we would recite it word for word. The energy and enthusiasm we had then was something that could never be emulated, nor replaced. Throughout the years, we share several antics, too many inside jokes, and we were a kinship of brothers, before rhyme sayers. We were all freshmen when we did the anthem. If you check our website, most of us have been graduated and achieved alumni status. It is apparent that the valedictorian verse in the anthem belongs to Haffiz.

The higher power gave birth to this rhyming patriot
The underground, we gladiate, moving lyrical chariots
My devotion will stay deep like the ocean
Despite the waves and the storms that we facing
Bring back the love that we once had, think back
Bring back the love that we had, reach slowly back to strength
Bring the power back to the bond we once lived

Bonding over a common passion gives you a stronghold in doing what you love, and when you get down to doing things, it begins to shape and define your character and who you decide to be in your life.

XS are the people I keep close to my heart. These are the people I grew up with. They are the funniest bunch of people around. We used to hang out every Saturday and waste away, and on Sunday, get down to lacing tracks. Some of us are still active, and others indefinitely deactivated. Some of us are on to other projects, and others have chosen different paths in life.

But still, XS, my brothers.

- love and light, adrenalene

2012-01-30T16:03:00.003+08:00

My heart belongs in the freezer section where things are dead and cold.

I am not a good person. The hate in my heart suffocates me, leaves me defeated, and I don't even want to attempt to let it go. As long I don't change it, it will continue to hold me captive. The sickness is within me.

Leave me alone with my impure thoughts. Let them fight a civil war and destroy what is within me, until there is nothing left.

Self-annihilation is the only way for creation.

2012-01-19T20:29:00.000+08:00

Posting it again because I love it so much.

living in the moment

2012-01-17T10:28:00.001+08:00

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about some things
That will not happen to me

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I'll only do this by

Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
With peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
Living in the moment

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun
I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong

And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
And if I fall asleep I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me

To live in the moment
To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
I spun around and searched no more

- Jason Mraz, Living In The Moment

I am immensely in love with the lyrics to this song. Jason is the best remedy. This is officially my love anthem for 2012. Dah pandai bukak anthem sekarang.

people and things

2012-01-12T14:25:00.000+08:00

I accept that people and things happen to you for a reason. After they happen to you, some of them stay, but most of them will leave after their purpose has been fulfilled. The lessons are the ones that stick with you, if you allow it to.

Holding on to something after their purpose has been long fulfilled is the same as filling your head with the carcasses of the past, and trying to resurrect life from bones. I am full of it, then I stupidly ask the question why my head is heavy and why my attempts are futile.

My problem is this. I can't tell the difference between the things that belong in the past and the things that belong in my present. I am short-sighted. As I am penning this, I am beginning to think that your choice in what belongs in the present is non-existent. You take little ownership in who shows up in your present, because it is as it should be.

I think we were all meant to soar high. Our wrong choices pulls us down and stops us from taking flight. It takes discipline to make the better choice, because the best thing may not always be the same present you envisioned. Then again, our wrong choices maps us to the right ones.

- love and light, adrenalene

2012-01-05T12:15:00.002+08:00

And when you’re needing your space
to do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
to see what you find

I don’t want to be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got, yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend for us to work
We didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not and who I am

LOVE.

por un momento

2012-01-02T23:16:00.004+08:00

Fleeting moments.
A moment of possibilities.
A moment happens
And then it passes.

A moment has feelings.
A moment has thoughts
As a moment changes
A moment becomes fickle

A moment dies
At a new thought
A moment lives
In your heart

A moment of past
A moment of pain
A moment is lost
For a better moment

Love in a moment
For the moment
Love once in your life
For the rest of your life

A moment of hope
A moment of fear
A moment of love
A moment of light

A moment with you
For the rest of my life
Longing for more moments with you
A moment for our moments.

- love and light, adrenalene

rainbow troops

2011-12-31T20:17:00.003+08:00

I turned twenty-seven recently and now I'm bidding adieu to 2011. I'm pretty much geared up for 2012, with a few resolutions in mind.

2011 has been the most enriching experience for me and I am blessed to have a handful of friends who always keep me in check. I can never repay the kindness that has been shown to me, but I am eternally grateful. I can only hope to do the same for you, a thousand times over.

This time of the year is bittersweet for me because it is the time that I take to reflect on what has happened the past year, and the time that I decide to let go of the mishaps and carry along the beautiful lessons from my little experiences. We can only try to be better than we were yesterday so everyday, I pray for the strength to carry on and the way I see things now, there really is no other way.

I hope to be a better daughter, granddaughter, lover and friend. I hope to always be thankful and see the beauty in the little things. I hope to be able to give without expecting anything in return. I hope to experience the world outside and inside of me, and live like my head is my roof, my heart is my bed, my body is my house and my soul is my home.

I'm leaving you with this song that I am in love with. Happy New Year, loves.

- love and light, adrenalene

in time

2011-12-22T15:59:00.003+08:00

I have been searching for a decent copy of “In Time” to download for quite a while. Last evening, I finally found it. The life and times of a bandwidth bandit involves the constant waiting of seeds and leechers but good things come to those who wait. Waiting too is a practice for my patience, hence, I am killing it in the virtual world. #cybercrimes #conversationswithmyself

Anyway, I finally watched it last night and I think it had a pretty interesting concept. The idea is that everyone has a digital tattoo-like LED watch on their wrist. In this world, the time on your wrist is monetary. You use the time on your watch to buy the things you need and want. Once the time on your watch runs out, you tap out of life and basically die lah. That watch on your wrist stipulates your death date and time, which forces you to chase after life when your clock ticks closer to zero.

When you know your death date, you become so concerned in trying to outrun it, you forget to live and let live. I must admit that it has come across my mind that I wish I knew when my death date was, thinking that I could plan myself for or against it, but that thought was in vain. Knowledge comes with a new set of responsibilities. It seems that knowledge that you weren’t meant for, or ready for, does not usually bring you betterment, and might even cause you burden.

On the flipside, because our death is normally unknown, unplanned and sometimes untimely, we live expecting that tomorrow is a certainty, forgetting that every moment is a blessing, and we begin to take it for granted. I have always been intrigued by dolphins and whales because they are ‘voluntary breathers’. Every breath that they take is a conscious choice to live. Perhaps being aware of your death date can cause you burden, but being aware that your death is a certainty motivates you to make a conscious choice to live.

I remember this story about time and relativity. 8 people were trapped in a lift, and only one of them had a watch. The man with the watch calculated the amount of oxygen against the number of people in the lift to determine how much time they had. Based on his calculations, they each had 30 minutes before they ran out of oxygen. He kept this to himself because he did not want to strike panic to the rest of them. 30 minutes later, the man with the watch was the only person who died, and the rest stayed on much later until they were eventually rescued. The knowledge of time killed the man with the watch.

I went on for a bit there speaking about things I don’t fully understand. Till the next confusion :)

- love and light, adrenalene

senja

2011-12-21T14:59:00.001+08:00

The sun is omnipresent
At night, illuminating the moon
At day, wrapping mother earth
in a blanket of warmth

The day alternates into night
Like two lovers, borne out of trust
Drawn together but separated by time
Stemmed from faith, seen with the heart

Light attracts light
Two lovers that never meet
Comes closest at dusk and dawn
The lovers’ hearts, the sky ignites

- love and light, adrenalene

every teardrop is a waterfall

2011-12-18T21:15:00.002+08:00

Happy song! Absolutely love the lyrics. This song makes me want to jump around in my room. I must live in house of pain, kneegguh!

right as rain

2011-12-18T21:03:00.003+08:00

...and the quiet Sunday night returns.

Its been pouring alot these days. I saw 2 boys drenched in the rain and it reminded me of a few weeks ago when I was with Dian and we played in the rain.

Dian and I were walking towards the bus stop when it began drizzling, so I whipped out my brolly for some shelter. We were having a pretty serious talk, then it suddenly began to pour heavy duty and our clothes got wet in our makeshift shelter so we thought what the hell, lets play in the rain! All of a sudden, the heavy things that was on my mind was lifted and I felt light again.

This marked the beginning of our 3km rain march. We were laughing hysterically at ourselves. The rain came down hard so we faced the opposing direction of the wind and called it a natural face acupuncture.

Spontaneity is one of the things I adore in life. Life has it that you can plan as much as you want, but if it wasn't meant for you, you will be kept away from it. I've learned that you shouldn't fret when your plans fall apart, you were just meant for something better.

I know it is difficult to believe this at the initial point of rejection, but we have a limited perspective and in times of adversary, we always fail to see the bigger picture.

Nothing is holding you back from living in the moment but yourself. Every decision you make is yours alone. No one is responsible for your happiness but yourself. People can hurt you, disappoint you, and do unspeakable things to you, but your pain from their actions are self-inflicted.

Love yourself. It begins and ends with you. Decide to be enough for yourself, because it is all you will need.

- love and light, adrenalene

paradise

2011-12-17T15:58:00.002+08:00

hide and seek

2011-12-17T11:30:00.003+08:00

I forget how beautiful mornings are. I wake up at 8am everyday, rush to work, and I chase time but it is an inevitable failure because time will always outrun you when you go after it. The ironic thing is that time stays at your pace when you are still.

I am still this morning and taking in the atmosphere although I am a myriad of 1000 feelings and thoughts. The truth is I feel this way when faced with uncertainty. I am beginning to believe that my uncertainty has something to tell me and I haven't come to terms with it. I know exactly what caused this but I have neither the strength nor courage to face it right now.

I trust that things will turn out as it should. I trust the Universe. I trust Him. It is people that I have doubts about. It is their actions and intentions that I find troublesome to understand. I see that my rejection and distrust causes me distress. I know that I need to let go, and I will, in time, but right now, I am again benchwarming for the things I'm not ready for.

And then I contradict myself because I know that things will keep happening to you whether you feel ready for it or not. You just have to rip off the band aid, replace it with a fresh one, then rip it off again to give some time for the wound to breathe.

When I try to conceal something, I find that I empower it to be a bigger part of me, because I am not saying the things I truly feel. People hide things, and they usually do it for good reasons. Recently, I found out something that was hidden from me, and it left me distraught. The thought that haunts me is that people are more what they hide than what they show. I know this because I am exactly that way. No one is who they say they are, but you love them inspite it all. I admit that the transitional phase in coming to really learn the former sentence is the part that is causing me pain, but I guess people grow through pain.

This is what I do. I try to write myself out of this place. I do it so often, but I don't do it so well. I keep so many drafts of my half-formed pent up thoughts until my next distraction. And then repeat. There has to be a better way than this.

I yearn for that stillness, that solitary peace of mind. I guess this is why these days I find myself being alone more because I am trying to confront the voices that speak to me when I am silent. I guess I am trying to learn the difference, and separate the fact from the fiction.

A really good friend reminded me this : You are bigger than anything that can happen to you in your life. And my counter-thought was even if you're not, you can always eat more. Urgh, bad joke. Bye then.

- love and light, adrenalene

come home

2011-12-15T15:06:00.001+08:00

In the end, I know nothing at all.

This room is empty.
This body is a cage.
This mind is fickle.
This heart is heavy.
These words are trivial.
These thoughts are borrowed.
These feelings are treacherous.
This moment is fleeting.

This person is not here.

If you're not happy here, you'll never find a better place. Come home.

praying for peace

2011-12-05T15:13:00.001+08:00

I found myself praying for peace today.
I’ve been in and out of my mind a thousand times
I know You heard me.
I know I wasn’t alone in that room,
shaking with the fear of fear,
the harrowing loneliness.
I cried out to You on my hands. On my knees.
With my face pushed down against the ground.
If I could have gotten lower, I swear I would.
Because that is helplessness, the truest kind…
The kind that knows nothing, not one leaf, or tear, or smile can be
without Him.
I learned something today.
Again.
This is dunya. Dunya. Not a place of ease. Only glitter.
The place where you have to feel cold and hungry.
The place where you have to worry and feel scared.
The place where it gets cold.
So cold, sometimes.
The place where you have to leave the people you love.
Where you can’t get attached, because even if you do, it doesn’t make it stay, it just makes it hurt when it doesn’t.
The place where happiness and sadness are only players, waiting for their next line in a play…
Competing for their place on stage.
The place where gravity makes you fall, and frailty makes you bleed.
The place where sadness exists, because it must.
And tears fall to remind you of a place where they don’t.
Where they just don’t.

And isn’t that just it? Isn’t jennah that place after all,
that place that Allah describes over and over and over in 2 ways?:
La khawfun alayhim wa la hum yahzanoon…
On them shall be no fear…nor shall they grieve.

But I’m still here, aren’t I?
The scar on my flesh reminds me of that.
The burn on my arm left a scar that I love.
I love it because it reminds me how weak I am.
How human.
That I burn. That I bleed. That I break. That I scar.
Yes. It is here that I am. Here that I fall. Here that I cry.
Here, just the same, that You filled that room, and lifted me to humbleness, and an acute knowledge of my own powerlessness and excruciating need for You.
And then you took care of it.
Of course You did.
Of course.
Like Younus, and Musa, and his mother. You took care of it.
You are the Peace of the peaceful.
The Strength of the strong.
The lighthouse of Truth in this storm of lies.
So, I found myself praying for peace today.

by Yasmin Mogahed

falling away with you

2011-12-04T12:17:00.000+08:00

I can't remember when it was good
Moments of happiness elude
Maybe I just misunderstood

All of the love we left behind
Watching the flashbacks intertwine
Memories I will never find

So I'll love whatever you become
And forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun

And I'll feel my world crumbling,
I'll feel my life crumbling,
I'll feel my soul crumbling away,
And falling away,
Falling away with you

Staying awake to chase a dream
Tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing

Promise to hold you close and pray
Watching the fantasies decay
Nothing will ever stay the same

And all of the love we threw away
And all of the hopes we've cherished fade
Making the same mistakes again
Making the same mistakes again

2011-11-24T12:29:00.004+08:00

All I need in this life of sin is me and my...

- love and light, adrenalene

detachment

2011-11-21T14:29:00.000+08:00

That's in the latest curriculum. Each day, I try to detach myself from the outcome, but my emotions circumvent my progress.

This waking life is but a dream of moments that fleets from one to the other; nothing is ever as it seems. My silhouette shape-shifts and sifts through the mist, but when I hold on to the temporary things, my vision is blurry.

Why do I hold on then? Why is it hard even with this realization that change is necessary? Why do I continue to act out of fear? Why do I forget the things I've learnt? Why do I commit to these thoughts like a repeat offender?

The cause of assault is secondary. The basis of all feelings are love and fear. Fear questions, but love accepts as an answer.

I know I've been here before. These thoughts are recycled and what I tell myself is nothing new. Patience, prayer, and persistence.

Take it as it is.
Take it slow.
Take it easy.

Life wasn't meant for perfection and as fallible men, we continue to strive for something we weren't made for. The beauty of all things lies in what you decide to do with the things that happens to you. Expect nothing of this moment, expect nothing of the next, but if you can't, expect that this mistake was probably meant for you.

So if tonight you fall, take it in perspective and be thankful that the gift of life is the miracle of a new day. Everyday is another chance.

- love and light, adrenalene

song

2011-11-15T12:29:00.002+08:00

My ipod is on shuffle and Mariah Carey’s Without You came on. I remember being in Primary 4 when I first listened to this song because she was my aunt’s favourite. I would play her album on my grandma’s cassette player, ignoring my homework, trying to memorize the lyrics to the song, and I would begin to sing it wholeheartedly, complete with an invisible microphone.

During that point of my life, I was really famous to a deaf and imaginary audience. My non-existent singing career peaked but just as what goes up, must come down, my popularity has declined since. Gravity gets us all in the end, if it hasn’t come for you, trust me, it will.

Automation brutally murdered nostalgia. Those were the days when it took some effort and we had to manually rewind the cassette to repeat a song. Oftentimes, we ask for things to change, thinking it would make things easier for us. We try to save time, money and resources, and limitation is the reason for our conservation. Then, we begin to correlate ourselves to our daily resource limitations, and act like we’re never enough.

Honestly, I felt a little sad when I heard the song. It’s weird what a song can come to mean to you, even without you making a conscious effort. A sad song, or any song for that matter has the ability to immortalize a moment. You save moments of your life in a song. You save emotions in a song. You save the people you can, and can’t hold on to in a song.

On another thought, while I love and hate how sad love songs make me feel, which is rather bittersweet, I think it’s a brilliant idea to cash in on your heartache and make a hit record. That has got to be some kinda consolation, no? Now we’re talking business, and you know me and how I got money on mind, and never in my pocket, or if I had pockets to begin with.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-11-14T17:05:00.002+08:00

I’m tired.

Nothing is going wrong, but then again nothing is going quite right. I’ve fought this for the longest time, thinking that if I pretend and hold on a little longer, I might turn into the person I pretend to be. Considering that I’ve put up my defense for some time and it has proven to be of little to no offense to what it is that is attacking me, my fall is inevitable, my fortitude deterred, and my fortress conquered.

I cannot begin to release myself from this prison if I do not know what it is exactly that is holding my heart hostage. I have no words to tell you, no courage to face the truth, no strength to deal with the consequences.

I feel distant from the person I once was, and perhaps, I was never that person to begin with. Perhaps, that person no longer fits with who I need to be today. Perhaps, some things fit and some never will.

These thoughts in my head quickly consumes me, and I feel that I’m being pushed out to the front porch of my sanity. I do not know how to turn these voices down. I try to hide these voices away, so I can fade into the background, and dissemble normalcy but they pick me out from the shelter of the people and things I seek comfort from, and they mock me and everything I pretend to be.

I am a pretentious creep.
A tired, defeated, spineless, deluded, pretentious creep.

I need the breathing and holding space to unlearn these things that has been holding me captive.
I might disappoint my future if I stay in this place.
I need to walk away.

you got it

2011-11-10T17:25:00.003+08:00

lagu ni mcm #winning je.

Hey Cole World, real cold World
I watch it hit the floor and watch it drop it real low girl
Last time I seen ya, you was a lil old girl
I had a crush now we grown and we still so thorough
Clap for her, work it till you exhausted
I swear nothing worse than a bad bitch that lost it
brains off the chain, smart mouth with a dumb ass
God damn your ex man is a dumb ass
when you was leaving, did he put up a fight?
was he stressin’ you, wasn’t f-cking you right
well one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure
one damn thing you can’t change is the weather
but even if it rain, we get rained on together
it’s whatever, you shine, I shine,
I know you got a 9-5 I’ll be your 5-9!

baggage

2011-11-10T14:16:00.003+08:00

The old shit from your past that you carry everyday, which you do not need, but you let it wear you down anyway.

How much baggage do you carry with you everyday? How much of it do you really need?

I carry so much shit with me then I ask what's keeping me down. Kan pandai tu. Bro, how about you start by checking what's in your bags first (obviously, so much nonsense), then you inspect what it is that you've been carrying in your heart and make that choice to bury the hatchet, then u gi holiday confirm baggage allowance tak exceed. Save money, You happy, I happy.

Abeegia nampak. Shit happens to the best of us, that must only mean I best giler, right? Rightttt.

I do carry some personal grievances against some people. I've tried looking past it but its just not in me to fathom their existence, or lackthereof. It's so weird how looking at their names just sets me off into negative vibrations of un-ohmly thoughts. To remedy this, I avoid these people at any means necessary so I can push aside that fear and loathing.

But recently, I've learned again that what you resist, persists. Ohwells, time to put my bags down, I guess.

Live, Love, Travel Light,
Godspeed (You! Black Emperor),
Adrenalene

all i need is you

2011-11-10T14:09:00.001+08:00

I feel yew, nikkuh.

tuesday morning

2011-11-08T09:56:00.007+08:00

I woke up from a dream where I was in distress and a good friend came to me and gave me strange comfort. I snoozed at the thought of work. I finally woke up at the thought that I have to anyway.

I'm on my way to work and Patrick Wolf's This Weather is playing in this gloomy weather. Coincidence on a Tuesday morning. My body is still asleep but my mind is wide awake.

My thought strays away to you and wonders where and how you are. This is nothing new. I tell myself to trust in the outcome, and that things are unfolding as it should. This gives me no comfort at all. Perhaps one day I will believe these words that I tell myself so often.

I stare at these words and read them again as I type back and forth. I wonder what the spaces in between really means. I wonder if these designated punctuations act like traffic signals to the flow of my thoughts. I wonder if you will forgive me for the occasional grammar mistake.

Always wondering. Never knowing.

A picture sits on my phone. It says 'There is no certainty. There is only adventure.' I think about how fake I've made myself to be. I think about the people I love and how my proximity to them gives me no certainty of who they really are and it goes around full circle. I think about the infinite possibilities in the face of uncertainty. I think about adventure as if it was a part of a distant past.

I begin to grow accustomed to the irony and I keep the song on repeat, the same way I recycle these thoughts in my head that haunts me in dead of night.

- less love and light, adrenalene

patience

2011-11-07T22:03:00.003+08:00

The difference between the place you are now and the place you want to be is patience.

Your heart will always have unresolved questions, unmet wants and past pain. Unfortunately, the moments that we accept things as they are, are far and few. So I suppose patience is the first step of reconciliation.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-11-05T15:12:00.003+08:00

WTF! She is such a hot mess, methinks. Nak find love in a hopeless place jugak, please.

organized mess

2011-11-05T14:30:00.002+08:00

Hello friends.

I haven't been spending alot of time at home these days and I come home to a room that looks like no one should sleep in. I have remotes, clothes, cups, books, letters, medicine, bottles, tissue, lying all over the place.

While I hold some pride in this organized mess, I see how this organized confusion does very little for hygiene. I bet my room is a very hospitable place for germs, bacteria and viruses to evolve into a mutant stage where no man nor living thing has been to.

I wonder if the living conditions of your roof stunts your general growth and disposition in other areas in your life. So I guess my advice is that if you can't clean up the mess in your life, perhaps you should start with cleaning the mess in your room.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-11-04T15:44:00.002+08:00

Dear Self,

Things have a way of going wrong. It always does. Perhaps this is the way the universe signals that you need to make some changes. Perhaps these are warnings to a bigger disaster. Perhaps it is just that one thing happens in order for another to take course. Perhaps, things are not going wrong, they’re just not going the way you expected it to.

So where do you stand when things happen to you? Seek, forgive and make the effort to make the difference.

Your heart is heavy, but remember that your pain is an important teacher. Lean into the discomfort and listen to what your pain is trying to tell you. It takes some work to make it work but it will be worthwhile. Don't let your mistakes happen in vain. Your mistakes are loud, but listen to your lessons.

Work on your relationship with God.
Work on your relationship with yourself.
Work on your relationship with the people you love.

The truth is that you will never be ready for half the things that are happening to you. They happen to you anyway and you manage that chaos. After all, there is freedom in chaos, and the choice you make when things happen to you is yours alone.

Love,
Yourself

duel

2011-10-27T18:37:00.003+08:00

Oh no, I suspect the tides are closing in to the crimson period of the month. I can feel PMS dawning upon thee and hence, I begin this endless light saber duel of the heavy heart and fickle mind.

I think my brain is 2 parts. The stupid part is stubborn and refuses to listen to me when I tell it that nothing is wrong, and everything is a-okay. The "smart" part is toying with me and getting imaginative with the worry. Very naise ah you all. Maybe if I used Darth Maul’s double-sided light saber, I will find a better balance with the force.

I need to learn again this art of taking it easy because the maths of it is pretty simple; the more you try to control something, the further it will slip away or get out of control. I think our reason for controlling something is usually rooted from fear, and the longer you spend time with your fear, that is what you will attract in your life, which will dictate the eventual outcome. Things need to be as they are, and this young padawan needs to strive for patience. Fear leads a path to the dark side and no, I must not be Anakin about it.

Dah lah, enough is enough. Stop wasting your mind on these minute matters. Your life is like a game show the way you attend to these trivial matters. Besides, everyone watches reality TV now, your trivia is so last century. MTV pun dah tak main music videos.

Jom jom main game saboteur. I’m a miner, really. Miners unite!

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-10-23T01:21:00.002+08:00

The difference between the mentally sound and unsound is their ability to reason. When I get emotional, my ability to reason is blinded by how I feel. Then I sit on the front porch of my sanity, worry with an imagination that only beats the shit out of me, and worsens the situation.

I am the worst person in the world. I am undeserving of the kindness I've been shown, and unworthy of those who love me. Here I go again, rationalizing my mistakes, making excuses for my actions, debating my heart and mind, when I am the solely responsible for my actions.

My mind needs to be more punctual. It is only when it is too late that I drink the spit of my misdeeds and be remorseful.

So why did I write this post? Because I am a self-piteous, attention-seeking, insecure, inadequate creep asking for validation.

Undear self, fuck you very much. May you rot in pieces of the past.

rests in reason

2011-10-09T15:18:00.004+08:00

Everything happens for a reason.

I know this coined phrase too well, but today is specifically one of the days where I've uncovered part of the reason behind why things happened the way they did, and I believe that the reasons will continue to unfold.

Out of the darkness, arrives sweet dawn. I had to go through a fair bit to get here, to get a glimpse of what's to come, and to come to terms with what it means to be here. I accept that I won't always feel this way, there will be times when I will need to learn again the things that I thought I knew, but it is part and parcel of renewing myself, and my intentions.

I am learning that my intentions should be sincere, only then can I detach myself from the outcome. When you attach yourself to people and things, it will only end up in disaster. But even when disaster strikes, it is the way the heart seeks light. Allow it to happen, and you will get to where you need to be, but it takes patience. Trust that things are happening to you because you are loved.

Well then, these are just mere reminders for myself. I'm still learning everyday, after all, I am but a speck of dust, and that's better than fine.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-10-03T15:44:00.001+08:00

Hello world. How are you?

I’ve been up, down, and out these past few weeks. With another left, right, A, B, C and Start button, I can officially deem my life situations a game. Tapi biler nak menang, God knowsss.

I’ve been meeting more friends nowadays, not particularly because I have a colourful social life, but because I find myself in the need of the company of others. Tonight, I’ll be meeting Linda and I’ll be bringing her to my secret place. I haven’t met Linda in years, so I’m really looking forward to tonight.

I found this awesome place near my place at an unopened park, where you can lay away by your lonesome, commune with the night, on a bridge above the passing of a river. I am naming that bridge “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. How very Simon & Garfunkel of me.

Last Monday saw me, Dian, Fazli, Lan and Zul at Beirut fish-dancing to some happening Indian music which was totally random and a lot of fun. The thing all of us shared in common was a diver’s license and spontaneity. Is there really a need for much else in this life?

Well then, talk soon.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-09-29T14:27:00.000+08:00

You know when it's good, I don't mean good enough,
When its really love, you can just rise above anything,
It's your destiny.

Up, Jason Mraz

mrazing

2011-09-28T14:07:00.000+08:00

Now, it's not a big deal anymore. It's just another wave.

So dude, when will come a time and place that I will ever get to say that!

I am so going to backspin at the airport.

See 01:23, TP is too cute with her little dance. Man, they were awesome together.

2011-09-22T11:37:00.003+08:00

Neither one of us deserves the blame
Because opportunities moved us away
It's not an easy thing to learn to play
A game that's made for two, that's you and me
The rules remain a mystery

Absolutely Zero, Jason Mraz

stereo hearts

2011-09-19T13:01:00.000+08:00

#guiltypleasures

2011-09-17T19:44:00.002+08:00

citer citer

2011-09-15T16:29:00.003+08:00

I have a pretty awesome set of friends, who I love and adore, and if I could, I would tell them everyday how much they mean to me. Oftentimes, I am sharing stories with them and schmoozing away.

And then it hit me, like a large trout on the face (recycled IRC joke), that I am not much without my stories. What if I run out of stories to tell? Or worse still, what if I forget my new stories?

Recently, it became apparent that I have been forgetting details and things I need to tell people. I don’t know how it has come to that, but my memory is now often mouse, than elephant. Oh then, how how. Old age, you is a cursed wretched thang. Also, the recycled IRC joke is evidence of a senior moment, cos when you're young, everything is new and first. When you're old, everything is... well, been there done that.

I cannot meet Dian Love and tell her “jom citer citer” because obviously I have nothing to tell. Who will love me then?

Le sigh and bye bye.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-09-13T10:01:00.002+08:00

I am absolutely crushed.

Jason Mraz is doing an acoustic tour in Asia, but he is not coming to Singapore. Why so near, yet so far? My heart is shattered into a million little pieces. I've seen live before but I've never seen his acoustic sets

I hate you with a passion, world.

2011-09-12T22:58:00.001+08:00

Best acoustic ever.

Come down and waste away with me.

2011-09-07T18:13:00.001+08:00

2011-09-06T11:19:00.005+08:00

Elfie Prima Putra,

I miss you.

Love,
Azlin

just be honest

2011-09-05T17:36:00.002+08:00

I can hold space while you see what your heart has to say about me
I acknowledge you for what you do to keep strong
There's no dotted line to sign away your freedom
I'll always stand beside you, don't get me wrong
I don't ask for much, just be honest with me.

live everything

2011-09-05T16:50:00.004+08:00

I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.

Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

(via TP)

remember

2011-09-05T12:23:00.006+08:00

I gave you the space so you could breathe
And I kept my distance so you would be free
And hope you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me

Don't You Remember / Adele

pause

2011-08-25T16:55:00.002+08:00

This feels like a standstill, and I'm sitting on the fence, unsure of what's next or where to go. I accept this phase of sitting it out, hoping it would maybe mature me, or make me wiser to face what's about to come.

My nights are sleepless but I’m trying, so I know I’m getting there. Where? I still don't know. I’m pacing forward blindly, hoping it would take me to where I need to go. After all, you have to be lost in order to be found.

My conscience is clear. I know that I’ve done a lot of wrong and wronged a lot of people, but I am sure that this time, I have given my best for the most part and I can only hope it would be enough.

Now, I surrender to the outcome.

- love and light, adrenalene

people like me

2011-08-18T22:12:00.001+08:00

gravedigger

2011-08-16T17:57:00.002+08:00

I have been blessed with the luxury of time which I squander with an idle mind. So in the devil’s lair, I summon a variety of miscellaneous self-issues and insecurities and begin to concoct myself a problem to solve simply because I have nothing better to do. While the problem marinates itself to be potent in my subconscious mind, I seek evidence in my everyday motives and thoughts to make the problem real. And taaadaaa, I have a problem…! and something to occupy my time with. There ain’t no magic in the breakdown, baby.

Then I play the role of a doctor and try to diagnose my self-inflicted problems. Like a pro, I prescribe myself with intended feelings or thoughts, which I try to compose within myself to better the situation that I initiated in the first place.

Lu sendiri gali, lu sendiri baring dalam, lu sendiri tanam.

- love and light, adrenalene

turning tables

2011-08-15T16:28:00.004+08:00

Next time, I'll be braver
I'll be my own saviour

Turning tables, Adele

GIRL POWER! like totally...

/cry

2011-08-10T21:34:00.000+08:00

Ok, now is the time for me to be self-piteous.

I hate PMS. Period.xs

On some months, it gets pretty emotional and I can no longer fence in the nonsense in my head, the floodgates open and the tear-jerking becomes pretty unsightly.

This month was by far my worst episode of this year. I cried everyday of the week and I started thinking something was seriously wrong with me. I would take a statement and turn it into a life sentence for myself. I fully understand the consequences of doing this shit to myself, but it's as if I don't know better at that point of time.

These hormonal changes does very weird things to me and I'm reduced to a whiny sensitive needy girl that no ones likes. I don't want to be that sad not-so-little girl. I want to be 'Barney Stinson awesome' and legendary. Tears are not so much the stuff of legends!

Don't get me wrong, I would savour an occasional cry but feeling down and out everyday is just so last century.

In the past, I used to turn my these lesser feelings into anger as a coping mechanism, and I would be unaffected and indifferent to my circumstances. Clearly, that isn't healthy but I feel unshaken because it gets channeled into something else. Now, I hold it in its true-form but I do not know how to turn that shit into gold, or more specifically, into something positive. Paulo Coelho has got to get down to a step-by-step guide of alchemy. Obrigada.

I still haven't figured how I will rough out the week before the next crimson tide for my next cycle. Pelan2 kayuh, I guess. I'm bent backwards about looking forward.

Till the next hello,
- love and light, period.xs

2011-08-10T14:50:00.000+08:00

say anything

2011-08-10T13:57:00.002+08:00

I could really use a few pointers from this song, and let things be. Immensely in love with this song.

Share, share!

- love and light, adrenalene

on love

2011-08-05T14:22:00.003+08:00

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Love// The Prophet// Kahlil Gibran

everyone wants to be frank

2011-07-26T17:48:00.002+08:00

Fuck! How the hell did things get so fucking serious? If there’s one word that aptly describes the way I feel as of this moment, it’s torment. Straight up, stripped down emotional torment. So, I turn to myself in my highly insidious ways, and ask again for the source of all this unnecessary (chinese water) mental torture, and frankly, I didn’t find a simple answer.

On another note, I’ve always liked the name Frank, everyone wants to be him. His social status must be through the roof. If he had a facebook account, I bet he’d have a thousand friends and a million likes. Well, these things are pretty fundamental to life, success, and happiness. If statistics say so, it must be gospel truth. Amen. Negro, what gives.

So back to the bit on getting an answer for the cause of all my severe and very important problems, the answer that I received was ambiguous, and only left me with more questions than I had in the first place. /cue scratch my aching breaking head. So I figured, my problems must be very important because I’ve heard from several sources (thus making it reliable) that important questions have answers that lead to more questions, much like the quest for knowledge. Then, if like that, I think my problems are damn power already.

Why do people create so much shit on this earth, that they mismanage and in the end, ignore that they had parented a catastrophe.

Lately, I haven’t had much funny nonsensical thoughts, I’ve had serious nonsensical thoughts, those are not so much fun. Le tired of being so serious all the time, life’s not a funeral, so fuck you Band of Horses for ever had me thinking so, but awesome song!

Well, the point I wanted to share was if you’re having a bad day and you’ve reached your wits end to make it better, perhaps poking fun at your emotional drama could only make your situation less grim and traumatic. It’s a little unfunny how we take life abit too seriously and give power to the minute things.

Here’s to little big things,

- love and light, adrenalene

if you're bored...

2011-07-25T17:47:00.000+08:00

1) Walk up to a small child that resembles you, and tell them that you are them from the future.

2) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.

3) Go watch a horror movie in the theaters and scream at the parts that aren't the least bit scary.

4) Ask a vegetarian if they eat animal crackers.

5) Try to eat air.

6) Go to burger king and ask for the burger queen.

7) Stop a car in the middle of the road and ask them if they have seen your pet ant, Delfigello.

8) ROFL... for real.

9) Write your number on a helium balloon and set it free. See if anyone calls you.

10) Go to an atm machine and when the money comes out scream i win i win.

11) Go to hot dollar shop and yell "WHY ARE THESE ITEMS SO FRIGGEN EXPENSIVE ! ".

12) Go in your kitchen and color every single banana a different color.

13) Go on the side of the highway with a blowdryer and pretend its a radar gun.

14) Call your best friend and try to have a conversation using only song lyrics.

15) Buy a fizzy drink, shake it up, in public go up to someone you don't know and open the bottle.

16) Tell random people, "DUDE! That wig almost looks REAL!!!"

17) When a classmate raises there hand to ask a question. highfive them.

18) Go up to random people at the mall, show them your ID, and say, "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?!"

19) Start screaming THE WORLD'S GONNA END and push the first person who looks at you weirdly.

20) With a banana in your hand, go up to a random person and say, "You dropped this."

dary queen

2011-07-24T16:51:00.000+08:00

When I was a little girl, I remember the incessant questions about what you want to be when you grow up. I remember that my answers changed depending on season, but my most frequent answer would be happiness. In retrospect, I think I may have perpetually fucked it up by choosing to be something as elusive and temporary as happiness. It is inherent that happiness is a fair-weathered friend.

Sometimes, I wonder what it feels like to be rich, to have money and buy anything your heart desires. I mean, come on, if you have to think about it, it probably means that you can’t afford it. Sometimes, I question why I wasn’t born as Bill Gate’s offspring. Then again, I am asking un-entrepreneurial questions which is probably the reason why I’m still stuck here in the first place. Spoken like a true skeptic. Way to go Azlin, good ass job.

You know how going through hardships gives you the opportunity for invaluable life lessons, can I just quantify them in monetary terms, like just one time..?

On the real though, it’s not as if rich people are without adversaries. At least I’m just broke, but not broken. Well, wait, let me get back to you on the latter part of that sentence. If both broke and broken, confirm jialat right? Fuck, man!

Wait, wait, if you tell yourself a lie long enough, it becomes the truth. And there I was all along, upholding truth when it was perhaps there to screw me with facts and shoot me with bullet points. I’m turning liar liar pants and fire, for reals. All iz well. All iz well.

Well, whatever it is, its going to LEGEN.., wait for it….DARY. Hoyes!

- love and light, adrenalene

bsbian

2011-07-03T22:28:00.004+08:00

Hello!

What's good on a Sunday night? I'm actually listening to some dope tunes from Backstreet Boys. I could never decide on a favourite BSB, it's always a tie between Brian and Nick.

When I was in Secondary School, I would listen to BSB every night and it would lull me into slumber. I used to have posters of them on my wall and I would spend most of my allowance on magazines just to see pictures of them. Not very economical for my small pockets. Mind you, this was a time when computers cost as much as cars and I didn't have one. Ok lah, I fabricate a bit but you know what I mean right? I wonder what kids spend their money on nowadays since the advent spread of the internet.

I was also in their fanclub and I befriended the leader of the pack to get the latest scoop. Obsessed! This all sounds so silly now that I'm 26, and the past seems like a vague memory, but I acknowledge what once was because it makes me, me, right? even if this does nothing to my already low street cred.

I also had big funny hair, loved Hello Kitty, and my favourite colour was pink. No wonder lah my friends were rare and few. Ermmm, who was I then and who am I now? I am eternally perplexed by this conundrum.

I think my boyfriend should join a boy band. He would be my favourite boy. Hehe, hello Elfie! Sorry girlfriend tak cool sangat.

- as long as you love me, adrenalene

what would love do now

2011-07-03T16:13:00.002+08:00

If it's got you thinking about a change of scenery,
Try letting go of what it was, or how things ought to be
And ask what Love would do now, just ask what Love would do now

stories

2011-07-03T13:54:00.008+08:00

All stories are love stories. I'd really like to think so.

I've been blessed with an awesome group of people in my life. When I am less, I sometimes forget and I begin to take these people for granted. The most beautiful thing is that they persist and remain in my life. Even when I become an entirely different person equipped with self-destructive tendencies, they''ll stay with me then, and they're still with me now. I am eternally grateful.

Its as if life has a complex filtration process that distills and leaves you with only the essence of what you need. So, it makes sense to surrender to what is and let life take its course. Trust that you have all that you need, and you do.

I've heard stories where people search for unconditional love and it always sounds like an endless pursuit. I don't think it is that difficult to find unconditional love, because it comes in so many forms and places.I know this because I already have unconditional love in my life. They might not always be in close proximity but they're always close to my heart. It is the single most beautiful thing I know.

Yesterday, I was faced with the pain of the possibility of having to let go of someone I love. It felt like a huge slap on my conscience and in a instance, shuddered the utter nonsense in my head. I was so caught up in a clutter I couldn't get out of. I am sorry that things had to go down, and it stayed that way for some time before I found it in myself to pick it back up. I am ready to let go of the details because I see the bigger picture with you, and I wouldn't settle for less until I know I've tried my best.

Everything happens for a reason. I choose to learn and grow from the emotional downfall from a few days ago. Adversaries are part and parcel of everyday living, but it is the power in which you give it, that will determine if you will make or break the situation. And nikkuh, I'mma make it.

I'm in alchemist mode and I'm about to take that fear and transform it into trust. Cheh, mana peh terror. HEHEHE.

Love would love to love you now. K bye bye.

- love and light, adrenalene

old train

2011-06-16T15:21:00.003+08:00

But you cant stop nothing if you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept in, you know
You don't know nothing but you don't need to know
The wisdoms in the trees not the glass windows

You cant stop wishing if you don't let go
But things that you find and you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold
The frames too bright so put the blinds down low

Breakdown, Jack Johnson

longing to belong

2011-06-15T13:30:00.001+08:00

I'm falling harder than I've ever fell before
I'm falling fast while hoping I'll land in your arms
Cause all my time is spent here longing to belong to you

I dream of circles perfect eyes within your face
My heart's an open wound that only you'd replace
And though the moon is rising
Can't put your picture down
Love can be frightening when you fall

And when the time is right, I hope that you'll respond
Like when the wind gets tired, the ocean becomes calm
I may be dreaming but I'm longing to belong to you

Longing to Belong, Eddie Vedder

sometimes

2011-06-06T14:41:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like a rubber band. I expand and contract to fit the size and variations of the different versions of life situations. First of all, I have no acrobatic nor yoga experience. The functionality of my psychomotor is in itself a questionable matter, so flexibility is non-existent. Since 1 really is the loneliest number, there is no way that I can bend and break like Mr Fantastic (4).

Sometimes, I feel that these different versions of life situations is much like a bugged out Windows program. I upgrade my firmware periodically but these updates sometimes worsen the condition, more than fixing the initial problem. Well, even Apple makes mistakes.

Sometimes, I feel like a fire fighter. I am constantly anticipating the unforeseen mishaps. My approach is reactive but even with safety measures, I am always running in circles, on patrol because like everyone else, I know that what can go wrong, will go wrong. So, I wait.

Sometimes, I feel like a clown. I parade this circus and seek joy from the people around me to mask my own inadequacy. I hide behind war paint, and tattoo a permanent smile to ward away those rainy days but my ways are futile and my joy is borrowed and fragile.

Sometimes, I feel that truth is a deception, subjected to how you perceive it. In actuality, there are only lies. Lies we tell ourselves to make living a bit more manageable because at the end of the day, we are all hopeful byproducts of the lost generation.

Sometimes, I feel like collateral damage. In order great things to happen, the lesser things should be trampled on, so you could reach a step higher to your peak. In this equation, I am the lesser constant. I wonder when you will be done with this phase before you mature into progression.

Sometimes, I feel like a chameleon. I change myself to fit in, instead of standing out and singing proud. I seek the similar likes and dislikes from others to find a common connection, which I have always valued. Now, I find that I am paying a high price for it. But more so, I am unsure of what makes me, me.

Sometimes, I really want to tear it all down and break it apart. Then, you come around and remind me that my happiness is my own. This time, I've decided that I appreciate sadness for its beauty, but I wasn't made to be just that. It’s time to be happy now, and no one is going to take that away from me.

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked, it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing.

Hold your own,
Know your name,
Go your own way,
And everything will be fine.

- Details in the fabric

comunicación

2011-06-01T16:53:00.001+08:00

Dear World,

I’ve pretty much had it with you, for now. I need a break so I’ve decided to disconnect from you for a short while. I’m only doing this because I hold you dear and I need to take a step back to see the bigger picture and be able to appreciate you again for your immense beauty.

I’ll be away from the evils of social networking, technology, and then some, unless unnecessary. My phone will be on airplane mode and I is leaving on a flight to ermmmm, nowhere.

So ermmmm, let's take it easy and celebrate the malleable reality. Nothing is ever as it seems, this life is but a dream. Nak kena wake up sekejap.

I’ll return very shortly. For now, I’ll leave you with the beautiful Nina Persson.

Love,
Azlin

2011-05-31T09:45:00.002+08:00

I am excited at the prospect of something. The thought of it scares me endlessly because it would mean leaving everything that I know, but something about it feels right.

In order for me to realize the potential of this prospect, a lot of things have to come into play and fall into place. Well, it takes some work to make it work.

Until the dust settles, nothing is concrete, but hey, it all begins with a thought and whether things turn out to be the same as your initial thought, is not as important. And hey, you know how I have an urban distaste for concrete (masih nak selit local hiphop reference).

I believe that when you make plans for yourself, you are already on your way to where you need to go. If it doesn’t work out, trust that it’s still where you need to go. The details are different but outcome is the same.

Cross my fingers!

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-05-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

My favourite person in the world :)

baby

2011-05-20T09:44:00.002+08:00

So hooked on this!

2011-05-19T17:38:00.001+08:00

Today, I was reading thedailylove and these four words stood out from my morning feed; love is letting go.

The truth about relationships is that it is never about permanency. The fact remains that the people in your life will come and go; your friends, your family, your loved ones.

Many times, I've seen a good friend turn into a foe. Well, its not like I bother to keep enemies, I'm no longer 16 and I have no need to harbour hate on a daily basis. I have long since banked in this reality cheque when I paid my dues.

Wait, wait, I lost my point there for a while. Clearly, I have attention span issues. I'm not focused man, tell them to stop hollering man. Ok sorry sorry.

I've come to realize that everyone you meet in your life serves a purpose. Therefore, I stand here (but I'm actually sitting down in front of my computer) grateful for all that was, which makes it all there is. I've learnt that you should trust that things do not happen to you, but they happen for you, as do people.

So, if you're facing a bad ass situation, you should keep your head up and mind strong that it is happening in your best interest. Things have a way of working themselves out when you map yourself in good intentions.

Ok lah. Thats all the sharing I can wrung out till I hang dry. What you beegia-beegia. K bye.

who i am today

2011-05-10T14:03:00.004+08:00

HELLO JASON!

YOU'RE THE BEST! I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

And I ain’t going to sit around complaining about the world
I’d rather stand up, and stand out, sing about the good and things I’m thankful for.

carpe omnium

2011-05-09T10:21:00.002+08:00

Good morning Monday.

You've crept back into my days so silently. I hardly noticed you standing right around the corner. I want to make this Monday count. There's been some things I need to remember, some things I need to learn and some things I need to let go.

For the longest time, I remember investing all of myself in one person and it made me vulnerable. The moment you NEED someone in your life, the wanting becomes secondary and your presence is no longer a choice. These days, I try to scatter myself in a few places, and that diversification, albeit messy, gives me the freedom of choice. I am literally all over the place.

Sometimes, I feel the need to validate myself when I act from a place of fear and lack because I forget that there is a place of abundance within, which is where all things begin and end. After all, I am part infinite, part human. I'm not afraid of adversaries. There are no bad situations, nor good ones. There are only opportunities to grow. I do not choose to be right, I choose to be the better version of myself.

So today, I resolute again that all I need I can search within myself. My presence is a choice and I am here because there is no other place I'd rather be.

I want to savour each moment.
I want to taste each tear.
I want to heave the biggest sigh in sadness.
I want to make my laughs big and happy.
I want to smile in the face of adversary.
I want to love unconditionally.
I want to give, and expect nothing in return.

I've read somewhere that the only way to live is to learn how to die, so live each day like it’s your last.

In-joy your day. Seize it all.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-04-27T22:31:00.002+08:00

Hello!

Every now and then, I have the urge to talk cock. For some time now, my nonsense has been fenced up and today, I'm setting that shit up on fire like an arsonist and watch these words burn. Shit has been bottling up and its time to hit the flush button and release the fumes of happy. My shit is manure. Your shit is so-so smelly.

Talking cock is possibly one of the most important things that keeps me sane. It is obviously tedious to find a real hobby. Most involve too much physical or mental activity which I choose to keep at a minimal operating level. The important thing about hobby is passion and I am passionate about nonsense. I am the master of my own nonsense.

There are a few friends who I look for when I need a catalyst to keep up the happy. Other people have what they call a political connect. I have a political kay-one-kay.

Ok I tired talk cock already. Good night.

one and only chicken

2011-04-06T20:30:00.000+08:00

This song, but for chicken.

You've been in my mouth
I grow fatter everyday
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your taste

God only knows
Why its taking me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every wing, every thigh
I've devoured it all

You'll never know, if you never try
To forgive the fats
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be
Your one and only chicken
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms

So come on, and give me a taste
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until your heart stops

first friday

2011-03-29T14:57:00.006+08:00

This is my story about a boy. His name is Elfie. He was that someone I knew, who became someone new to me, and now, he means the world to me.

I knew him from several years ago. I can still recall the times when we were bros. I’ve always looked at him as this charismatic and kind boy, who had some conflicted issues with himself, just like the rest of us. We’ve always been able to connect with each other and though we led very separate lives, our lessons were the same. It has always been easy to love him, even then. He accepted people with the least judgment, being the beautiful person that he is.

I would hear about his commitment issues and his miscellaneous escapades. Out of our group of friends, I’ve always felt that he somewhat understood me. When he was faced with a major life ordeal, I was devastated, because I knew this he was much better than his life circumstances.

A few days before he got out of that phase, I dreamt about hanging out with him. A few weeks later, that dream became a reality. He was still as joyful, held a positive disposition and he was determined on deciding on the good things that he could make for himself. I was relieved to see that he was, untamed and unfazed, and coming to terms with the man he needs to be.

At that time, we had both gotten out of a relationship, which taught us the hard way that trying to make a wrong thing right, proves to be a tedious task. When I met him that Friday, my intention was to meet my friend, soak on his light and share some laughs.

When things happened between us, it caught us both by surprise. Though the circumstances were strange, it felt as though fate sometimes decides for you, because it knows best of what you need. Suddenly, he constantly occupied my thoughts and feelings, and I fell in love with him.

Some time has passed now, and I am glad that this part of my journey has begun.

- love and light, adrenalene

2011-03-28T17:35:00.001+08:00

silence

2011-03-20T20:10:00.002+08:00

Sunday nights have always been a bit of a headfuck for me. The silence stirs a kind of an emotional turmoil which knocks the strength off my kneecaps, and I fall. It happens in a way that so suddenly, the moment freezes, and I am bitchslapped by the fear and uncertainty of the future.

That fear follows me around like a shadow in the darkest corner of my consciousness and on some days, it seizes me the better part of me. On such nights, I try to rationalize that fear. I have always made a conscientious effort to live my life as an open road. I guess I understand now that that fear comes from being open. When you are open, you allow yourself to be authentic, at the expense of being vulnerable. But really, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I feel like a pauper, because all I can afford are these words and in my best faith, I can only trust that it would be enough. I guess my point is that its time to embrace the fear.

- love and light, adrenalene

help, i need a life

2011-03-09T12:26:00.001+08:00

in this moment

2011-03-03T11:10:00.002+08:00

You make me feel so happy, so real
You, beautiful moment in my life
A sweet wrinkle in time
So let's stretch this thing out
Let's punch a hole in time
Sitting in there
Two gay creatures content in our own little world
Silence seems so much better with you
Coldness seems so much warmer with you
I want to kiss your mouth
That loving brush that colors my world
I want to know your taste
I want to hear your sounds
In this moment
In this moment is almost
In this moment is almost

shot yourself in the foot again

2011-03-03T10:14:00.003+08:00

Never should have listened to the serpent. You shot yourself in the foot again.

Face looks jaded,
Clothes look faded,
Keep walking on, my friend.

better

2011-02-28T12:10:00.002+08:00

beautiful things can never stay the same way
they pass, they pass away, they always change
who are we is who we are
when the act of love can get us so far
so good i wish you would
think twice on me
cause it only gets better

headspace

2011-02-23T02:52:00.005+08:00

Enjoy everything, need nothing.

I'm the kind of person who believes that coincidences are little signals that symbolizes a bigger picture. It's alot like destiny but that's not quite the word I'm looking for. Lately, I've chanced upon the above words more frequently, as if the universe was conspiring to tell me that I need nothing, hence, I have everything.

This does not serve as a melancholic cry for help, but rather a statement of solace, which partakes in solitude. I read something today about chasing dreams, pursuing happiness and finding peace for the sake of filling up the empty spaces. I'm beginning to wonder if the pursuit of an intangible object of desire makes it more distant. If your pursuit is of an ideal, your ensemble becomes a tedious task. I do not need to chase an ideal. All that I need, I can search within myself.

In the past, I've always heavily relied on the ones I hold dear. When opportunities moved them away, I feel estranged because the situation requires their absence. Suddenly, the pillars I had leaned on for so many years had been broken down and it is time for me to stand on my own.

Lately, I've invested a huge portion of myself in something else and the situation has slowly led me to believe that I am compromising who I am. I let my fears sink to inner depth, empowering it to be the bigger part of me. I was lost, but I firmly stand now, keeping in mind that all that is found, needs to be lost.

I can no longer allow myself to engage in the petty games that my mind plays. I have to make a conscious decision for my mind to work for me, instead of against me.

All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again. One thing at a time.

- love and light, adrenalene

bella

2011-02-22T00:47:00.003+08:00

Dear Luna,

I love you.

You're like a distant lover. Albeit inconstant and not always here, you're always in my heart. Pay no mind to Shakespeare because he had it wrong when he called you fickle. Your love is not a variable, but a constant integer in an inconstant equation of the magnificent scheme of things.

I've spent many nights serenading you, professing my love for you. Love is crazy that way. You take me to that special place in my heart that knows of an unconditional love. It's a lot like falling in love for the first time, everytime, even though you've seen and known the same face for decades.

I wish I was the rainbow orbiting around your beauty. Each time night befalls, I search for you and wonder where you are. I love the way you look in the mornings when you become thick as thieves with the clouds, and cascade into the cerulean sky. I love how you rise from the sea and make your gradual mark in the bird's eye.

I couldn't care less if my love is unrequited because honestly, I've surrendered to all that you are and I adore you, my beautiful luna. I suppose this is what its like when love comes full circle, like you.

Thank you for this love that is like no other. Bella, do what you do.

- love and light, adrenalene

getting nowhere

2011-02-14T01:22:00.002+08:00

This song has been stuck in my head for the past week. Who's up for John Legend in April?

waving flag day

2011-02-13T23:56:00.008+08:00

Dear Boyfriend,

We've made it! Remember when we used to talk about this day? It seemed as though it was light years away BUT BUT BUT WE'VE MADE IT!

We began our mini road trip and the starting point was visiting our childhood places. We did not manage to cover it all but it felt good that I was able to see and hear about your past because it is pivotal in making you the person you are today. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my past misadventures and miseducation. We ended the night in Sentosa and went for a night swim. We spent hours in the dark running around, and finally settled in for some conversation. We lost track of time and just waste away with the night. Fuck a watch and an iphone, really!

I know how our relationship comes as a surprise to everyone that it provokes some questions and then some questionable remarks. I really get that because even we don't completely fathom how it happened. They thought that we would never make it past today but really, I don't care about hearsay. The world doesn't know it yet but you are amazing. I would like you to know that having you in my life as a lover (i just said lover!) and a best friend is a beautiful surprise.

Sometimes, I suspect that you are a magician because it seems that I am constantly under your spell. Before today, we've had to make this work with time as the biggest constraint and I actually believe that that really was a blessing in disguise. We made every moment count and did a pretty banged-up job like Ed Banger, no? It makes my heart smile when I reminisce how lovely it all is. I cherish everything, even the fucked up bits.

Let's always be awesome, and when we're less, let's hug it out. I love you so much lah.

Love,
Your Psychomotor Rosak Girlfriend

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match (or a lighter)

Cause I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better (or follow you to 7/11 to buy panadol)

Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair (not anytime soon, I guess)
Sew on patches to all you tear (gotta learn how to sew first)

Cause I love you more than I could ever promise (i honestly do)
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

bruise almighty

2011-02-06T22:31:00.005+08:00

My friends from across the border paid us a visit over the long weekend. We spent Thursday in ghost town Orchard, which is actually a yearly routine for me during CNY. While the Chinese celebrate the new year and what's to come, I celebrate the past and the ghost of capitalism.

We took it off the beaten path and went to Ubin on Friday for cycling. I fell pretty bad and my battle scars live to tell the tale. The moment I lost balance of my bicycle, I got right up and smiled in klutzy embarrassment, not giving mind to the pain. Moments later. I realized that a part of my hair was covered in blood and I was pretty surprised because the pain was minimal, but the blood was worrying. Well, even the best fall down sometimes (but I fall all the time so I must be pretty fucking awesome, riggght?). Optimistic liars or pessimistic fools. I choose the former, okay?

Anyway, I think its my bruises look pretty swell (pun intended) and quite gangster. So, I suppose every weakling has a silver lining. In entirety, I still had a superb time in blood, tears and sweat. My life in three nouns. Don't get me started on the adjectives. Word is bond but let's not get into a sticky situation.

I hereby bid adieu and leave you with what I believe is an apt song for my bruises. I am permanently black and blue for you.

- love and light, adrenalene